is your mom at the bar?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
