After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
