Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
