Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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