did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
