you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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