I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
