My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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