We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
