I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
