I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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