If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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