Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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