The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
