well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
