i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
