i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
