Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
