yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
