shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
