Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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