so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
