she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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