Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
