i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat