[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.