Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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