Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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