Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
