It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
