Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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