The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
