so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
