I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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