i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
me + whiskey = a bad person
Randomize
