I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
