Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
