Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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