You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
