why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
