I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
