I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
