Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
