how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
