I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
