Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
