I wish I only lived at night.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
