A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
