So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
