Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
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I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
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I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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