omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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