you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
