So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
