I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
