I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
