I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
