my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
