I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have aggressive nipples.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
