sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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