Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
